Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The news is so predictable nowadays
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”![]()
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
thanks auntie mary
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I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.