Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Finally, an explanation.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!