People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.