I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
You Might Also Like
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
That’s it.I’m out.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?