[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
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I’m tired tomorrow.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
bugs when you lift up a rock
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping