Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My whole life was a lie.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.