Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
OKAY DAD
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”