*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.