Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I want what they have
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978