I want what they have
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If you love someone, let them sleep.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God