@wildethingy

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

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@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@Maxine12333

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

@batkaren

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

@psybermonkey

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@RappaRick

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule