I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*


You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables


8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.


Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*


I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play


I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”