I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.