@fuzzlime Omg like wtf
-me, praying
@wildethingy I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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@fuzzlime 
@chopper4jk The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
@Maxine12333 Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
@TheToddWilliams [boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
@batkaren I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
@psybermonkey [7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
@amishschool Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
@kelkulus “That’s what” – She
@RappaRick Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
@gary_augustine I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…