Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Plant care tips
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!