Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.