POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.