me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me