I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no