God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line