*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me when my alarm goes off
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!