#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Just me and my debit card against the world
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth