Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.