*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
So that’s what we looked like?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me