My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You Might Also Like
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.