I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
You Might Also Like
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Something Saturday.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.