[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You Might Also Like
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Bed should get ready for ME
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate