Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Just say no
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed