@GrabTheWEness

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

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@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

@JasonLastname

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

@oh_porter

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

@omically

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

@AngieDavisHaha

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?