Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics


Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.


“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”


Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.


Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.


Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?