Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.