You Might Also Like
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
when mom throws a party…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.