My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
What number SPF blocks people?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget