“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me