A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
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Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
January has been Januweary
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.