The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Bed should get ready for ME
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Baking is just science you can eat.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?