The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.


The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other


I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.


Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug


The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.