Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

The internet is magic sometimes.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

May your day taste like creamy soup.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.