@OblivionDream

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

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@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

@felixoshea

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@maryfairybobrry

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@noog

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.