[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?