Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Never be a pizza!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.