You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m putting together a team
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.