Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Maths meets science
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.