Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.