Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets