You Might Also Like
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days