Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two