wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My new favorite headline
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.