I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“What?”
– Jude
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.