I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
![]()
You Might Also Like
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
dutch is not a serious language
![]()
![]()
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.