Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.