Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Don’t we all.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times