Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You wish you had this many chins.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0