Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Cats are still liquid.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.