I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
What if all the cashiers are married?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
New mindset, who dis?
My purse is deeper than some people.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not