If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Breaking news:
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…