Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Mornin. * use accordingly
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really