Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Siri: Retweet me.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one