Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Truth
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Wednesday
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.