The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
🛁
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol