[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?