“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?